“What is the percentage of people that die of bulumia? “

The answer: ” 100%. Every person with untreated bulimia will eventually die from a cause directly related to the disorder.”

I googled this answer tonight and the answer I received just hit me like a ton of bricks.

How the hell did I let myself get back here? The point where I’m staying up late at night- to read about if the symptoms I’m experiencing at the moment–are the ones that occur before you die from bulimia.

I’ve been in denial for the past couple months about how bad it’s gotten. I’m worse than I was before I even tried to get better, which was just over a year ago. The big differences now: I’m more secretive about it, I don’t talk about weight to any of my friends, and I have been secluding myself from people so they don’t notice any unusual patterns.

Tonight I started coughing up blood again, and that’s what happens when your purging over 15 times a day. I don’t even force myself to do it anymore, my body reacts to the food and whether or not I’m in a bathroom– I’m going to throw up. It’s disgusting and it’s killing me.

I don’t even know where to go from here, I don’t even know if I want to try to recover again. Won’t I just die from Bulimia since I’ve had it for 7 years? So what’s the point?

My mind feels disconnected from my body, but my body is in control.

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~ by World War Mia on August 2, 2011.

10 Responses to ““What is the percentage of people that die of bulumia? “”

  1. Hey!
    Yeah it’s me I’m still around had to make a new account. I know what you mean by wanting the help and not. My ANA is winning AGAIN 😦 I’m ALMOST back to my second lowest weight, and that’s NOT good because I’d just be putting myself back in the HOSPITAL! The first time I was in I asked for the help. Now it’s like WTF!! I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, and people say things like “Well, if you love him SO much at least do it for him.” Or one of my mother most RECENT comment was “You love him & you have to love YOURSELF too.” In the back of my head I was telling myself OMC (Oh My Creator) You SERIOUSLY DON’T understand this at all do you???? Mind you I did drop the ANA bomb on them (parents) last week. Still They THINK they know what it’s all about because their all HIGH AND MIGHTY “All hail my parents.” type of attitude. I’ve been suffering from Ana for 13 years and all I want to do is DIE from it because I’m NOTHING!

  2. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Don’t give up on yourself yet–I’ve also had bulimia for seven years, and anorexia for ten. It can seem completely impossible to get through, but even if you can’t achieve full recovery, you can learn to manage your symptoms in a way that will be much safer for your body.

    If you’re interested, I’ve posted a series of entries about damage control on my blog, and they might be helpful.

    Take care, and don’t give up.

  3. Sorry to hear things are so rough again. I don’t know how we wind up back “there”. Somehow, it just seems to happen. It trickles in slowly, a slip here, a stumble there and before you know it, you’re at the bottom of a pit, scratching at the walls and getting nothing but dirt under your fingernails. Sometimes, it’s easier to sit in a sobbing heap in the bottom and imagine that this is all you will ever know. But there is help and there is hope. It’s harder than staying where you are, but you’ve done it before. Dying is no longer an option for me, and hearing that statistic again reminds me how close I came. How close I could still come. Scarlett is right about recovery. I’ve stopped believing that I will ever be recovered in the sense that I won’t think about it anymore, but I am getting better at managing the disorder. Each day is different, but there is an overall upward trend to health. It’s harder for me to understand bulimia, because even though I purge, I don’t binge in the same way as a bulimic, but I know the relief and the thrill and the pain and the blood. Thinking of you, and hoping that you can find some help. xo.

  4. I have been where you are. I have had a mind full of fog and darkness so thick I thought I would never again see the light. Hold on. You are not alone.
    I also know that accepting help is just really fucking hard when you feel so worthless. I want to offer my help anyways. Please email me if you want to talk and I will give you my cell#.
    nourishthyself.wp@gmail.com
    Even though you cannot see it, you are surrounded by love and light. It is what you are.
    xoxoxoxo

  5. You are not alone my love. I will pray that God sends you help, never give up there are always options and hope. You are in my thoughts xo

  6. I’m sorry it’s so hard — I’m sending love your way — you are not alone, and we are surrounding you with our love! xoxo

  7. Reach deep down into your heart and among all of the other wonderful things that are there, there is the strength to fight, and the will to win. You are a beautiful person and a fiercely loyal friend, I would know. You have so much ahead and so many wonderful opportunities, don’t forget who you really are and don’t ever think that girl is not worth fighting for. That girl is someone who I admire and believe in, and still love with all my heart despite the fact that our lives have taken us in different directions. Fight for your right to grow old and live a beautiful and fulfilling life, fight for your dreams, fight for your right to love someone and be loved in return, fight for yourself, because coming from someone who actually truly knows you, you are an extraordinary person and a loving, kind, genuine girl who deserves a life of nothing but happiness and love.

  8. I am reading those posts and I really get scared. I have a 12 years old child I love and wanna be around her. I know how bad I am , I am trying myself to recover , but there are days when still I go to the bathroom after I eat not healthy food. I look pretty normal, some of my friend tell me that I am skiny, but the strss I am going through it just kill me. I have days when I am ok, but if I feel that I should not eat specific food I get sick again . I really feel afraid to ask for help out there…Do u happened to have the same feeling. I was obsesed with my weight since I was a teenager, and now I am almost 35. For so many years I try to help myself…

    • I think asking for help is the hardest part for all people with eating disorders. I mean– there are all these fundraisers for other illnesses, like Cancer, Muscular Dystrophy, Depression, Alzheimer’s, etc…. but there isn’t a public awareness or push to donate to research in Eating Disorders. The only state that currently enforces eating disorder treatment to be covered by insurance in California– so yeah, it’s hard for me and anyone to reach out for help. But without help– what can we do? It’s a hard fact to face– but it’s needed in order to cause the illness/ addiction.

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